Supporting Families, Strengthening Connections

Adoption is a beautiful and meaningful way to form a family, but it also comes with a unique emotional landscape for everyone involved. Adoption scholars and clinicians, Sharon Kaplan Roszia and Allison Davis Maxon, have helped the adoption community better understand this landscape by identifying Seven Core Issues of Adoption shared by adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive families.

This blog will be part of a series exploring each core issue. Today’s focus is on one of the most foundational: Loss. 

Why Start With Loss?

Every adoption story begins with a separation of some kind, whether from birth parents, familiar surroundings, culture, extended family, or even a sense of identity. Because of this, loss is woven into the adoption experience long before a child understands the words to express it. Loss doesn't mean a child is ungrateful or unhappy in their adoptive family. Instead, it reflects a deep and natural part of their history. Recognizing this helps us respond with empathy instead of worry. 

What Loss Can Look Like for Children

Loss shows up differently in every child, depending on their age, experiences, and personality. Some examples include:

1. Grief That Comes in Waves
Children may grieve at different life stages as their understanding grows. A toddler’s confusion may turn into questions during elementary school, which may deepen into identity exploration during adolescence. 

2. Feelings of “Something Missing”
Even when a child feels secure and loved, they may wonder about their birth family:

• Who do I look like?

• Why wasn’t I able to stay with them?

• What parts of me come from them?
  

These questions are not a rejection of their adoptive family, they are attempts to make sense of themselves.

3. Behaviors Rooted in Loss
Sometimes loss expresses itself through actions rather than words:

• withdrawal
• perfectionism
• fear of separation
• challenges with trust
• big emotions around birthdays, holidays, or adoption anniversaries 

These behaviors often reflect an internal narrative the child hasn’t yet had the language to share. 

How Parents Can Support Their Child Through Loss

The goal isn’t to “fix” the loss, it’s to create space where your child feels safe to feel, question, and express.

1. Make Conversations About Adoption Safe and Normal
Talk about adoption openly, without shame or secrecy. Children take emotional cues from adults; if you communicate comfort, they learn they can bring their feelings to you.

2. Validate Their Emotions
Acknowledge their grief or confusion with empathy:

• “It makes sense that you wonder about your birth family.”

• “It’s okay to feel sad and loved at the same time.” 

   

Validation builds trust. 

3. Offer Age‑Appropriate Information
Children need the truth, but they need it in ways they can understand. As they grow, revisit their story and expand on it when appropriate. Adoption understanding evolves with development.

4. Create Rituals of Connection
Memory boxes, photo books, cultural traditions, or special days can help your child honor both parts of their story, the family they came from and the family they are in now.

5. Seek Support When Needed
Adoption‑competent therapists, support groups, or family coaching can help you navigate complex feelings together. Asking for help is a strength, not a failure. 

What Parents Often Need to Remember

Parents may feel uncertain when their child expresses grief. Some worry:

• Am I not enough?

• Does this mean they’re unhappy?

• Did I do something wrong?

None of these feelings make you a bad parent, they make you a caring one.

Remember: your child’s loss is not a reflection of your love or your parenting. It’s simply part of their story.

And you are now a central, healing part of that story.

Closing Thoughts

Understanding the core issue of loss allows families to build stronger, more compassionate connections. When a child feels supported in all parts of their identity, including the parts that began before joining your family, they grow with greater confidence, emotional security, and belonging.

Thank you for partnering with us to support the well‑being of your child and your family.

Stay tuned for our next blog, where we will explore the second core issue: Rejection.

If you have adopted a child Internationally or through Foster Care, you can sign up for our Navigating The Seven Core Issues of Adoption, a series of 7 sessions. 
Learn More Here.

LaTisha D. Ware
Adoption Stabilization Counselor  
LaTisha.Ware@Gladney.Org
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